Pointlessly Criticising A Page Of Smash Hits From Early September 1989 Because I Want To

The intro is in the title.

I'll begin by going through a few items in the "Fancy That" column:

  1. Fairground Attraction were not "ace", you clotheared pillocks. (I'm trying to get into the SH circa '89 spirit with that insult, there.)
  2. I can think of quite a few things grimmer than one of that lot out of Big Fun pretending to be going out with some Page 3 girl and/or getting off with Anita Dobson. GG Allin smothered in his own shit while waggling his micropenis about, for example, or an episode of On The Buses. (Which was being repeated on ITV around this time, I think...)
  3. Actually, what's way grimmer (and somewhat related to this theme) is the last part - Michael Jackson getting his lawyers to stop LaToya writing about his "juicy secrets". Let's move on, shall we?

The "Win A Coal Scuttle" competition (or "compo", as some may have also called it at the time) is full of dubious Welsh jokes. A bit tiresome and it makes me want to smack everyone at IPC in 1989 in the face.

The main part of the page is focused on one "Damian", whose version of "Let's Do The Timewarp" from Rocky Horror I had completely forgotten about until the recent TOTP '89 repeats (and is the reason I ended up reading this in the first place). I don't remember the bloke himself though, for whatever reason, just the song.

Smash Hits are doing that annoying thing I've noticed in some other issues where they'll follow something a bit odd with some question marks in brackets, but the thing in question isn't that odd. And in fact the first thing is explained by what Damian says afterwards about his self-produced pantomimes. The second time, which is deemed strange enough to get two question marks, is only considered baffling because 1989 never knew about ASMR. (Okay, ASMR still is baffling even if you live in the Cursed Year of 2020.)

Also, why is throwing bits of toast and rice at the screen during a Rocky Horror showing considered "rum"? Half the things in that audience participation script are far "rummer" than that, not to mention the way that EVERYONE MUST FOLLOW THE SCRIPT TO THE LETTER AND SAY ALL THE SAME THINGS AT THE SAME TIME. Well, it must be a pain for the cinema staff to clean, I suppose. I'm talking about the toast and rice there.

I've run out of things to say, so here's a sudden ending.


...Actually, I'll properly end on a quick note to say that I don't hate Smash Hits, or anyone who wrote for it. But I do think that Your Sinclair did the same kind of humour better, and with computer games instead of a rapidly-depleting SAW-infested chart pop scene (the brilliance of acid house, hip hop, and 1989's non-Big Fun Cinematic Universe music notwithstanding). Or maybe I'm just too grumpy today. Haven't slept a lot recently. Gaaargh. Did you know I've got an original CD pressing of Technotronic's first album, with that model lady who was removed from the cover when it was discovered she wasn't the singer? Of course you didn't, stupid question. Sorry.