Mainframe X20’s Classic Cartoon VHS Volume 3: A Transcript

This is a transcript of a home video compilation of public domain cartoons, which was released circa 1989 / 1990. The "host" was a still image of an old 1960s IBM mainframe, suitably named Mainframe X20. An unknown actor spoke the lines below into a vocoder.
All sections are wraparound segments before and after the cartoons, and I have taken the trouble of adding appropriate Youtube links to the cartoons in question. All uploads come from different sources - VHS, DVD, Cursed 16MM, etc.

 

OPENING SECTION

Hello. I am Mainframe X20. I am here to introduce each item on your cartoon VHS tape. We have a number of cartoons to show you, plus some extras. First of all, I am sorry about the rain. I should have brought a raincoat. My cat absolutely hates this weather, and she will end up drinking it if I do not take her back inside, and then she will complain to Jesus. Jesus does not understand what mainframes are. This surprised me. I should have known better.

I have not been able to sleep for several days now. My girlfriend has taken over management of the computer lab. Maybe she can break me down into my separate parts and explain to each part what it is I have to do to get Jesus to stop saying that the weather is ungodly and bringing doom on the kingdom. Or maybe she can understand what the computer skills are and give my cat rain free weather. But enough of my problems. Our first cartoon is on the subject of the wicky wicky wild wild west and it stars both Mutt & Jeff. I hope you enjoy it.

 

SECOND SECTION

I liked those guys, they must be long dead. I am sorry to harp on about this, but lately my cat and I we both sit in the rain all day. Luckily as I am basically a big box, I am protected. Poor kitty has to make do with an improvised umbrella, which is a tiny horizontal chubby nude man with a pole up his bottom. Anyway, we are going to be speaking to the Tape Recorder Of Law to see what legal action we can bring against Jesus and my girlfriend.

I must admit I made an error earlier and forgot to mention something. When you first started to watch this tape, I was meant to tell you what your purpose in life was going to be. I am not entirely to blame, as the home video company did not have a message for you to be carrying on this cassette. I was meant to stall for time, and instead I introduced the first cartoon. Anyway, the message came during that cartoon, and it turned out that it was “Everything in this section is hideous, deranged and wobbly”. You are on your own with this one.

 

THIRD SECTION

Well, that was fun. I think things may be looking up. My girlfriend has split up with Jesus. I did not know they were even dating. She actually phoned me to give her apologies. She said that Jesus has been infected with badness. It is a theological calamity.

Jesus will not stop it with the goddamn rain. My poor cat is getting antsy and is trying to search other places where there is not rain, but the rain always follows her because Jesus is evil now. She goes to a park, an animal shelter, a jewellery store, a prop store, her toy store, a pet store, a writing library, a theater, a roller coaster, in the hotel, on a class excursion, or a cruise, a museum, and even the deaths of electronic birds. See if you can spot her in this depressing film.

 

FOURTH SECTION

Good news. My girlfriend is now my actual girlfriend once again. She is compiling information on how to sue Jesus for evil. Her plan revolves around giant robots. The Pope has denounced her, because he does not understand love. She is terrified of being kidnapped by a wheeled convoy of Popemobiles. But I have told her that they are too high and bubble-esque to be of any use. Also the Pope cannot drive, so his plans are but piss and wind.

To celebrate my getting back together, here is a romantic cartoon.

 

FINAL SECTION

Well that brings us to the end of this cartoon VHS tape. I will end with a quote from Thaddeus Shmaddeus Dryden Dryden Techno Phlygian Mode. “A bit pale, not altogether white, but with a grayish blotch all over the chest; the complexion dry, and melancholy; eyes pale, and perhaps too tearful. The glowing falcon said to me: I'm getting a sunburn.” I have no idea what this quote means.

I wish it would stop raining.

 

(The above piece of nonsense was partially written with the aid of raw text generated using Talk To Transformer, which was then edited and re-written.)

 

 

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