When Joe Rogan Gave Birth

When Joe Rogan gave birth at the height of midsummer - and extremely messily, may I add - it was clear that something was afoot. A big old pillar of salt had been licked to nothing, the tide was remaining all the way right out, the British people had unquestionably cut off their own arses; no one could sit still. And inside the sweaty chunk of America containing Rogan's funeral, stillness was also impossible.

During the service everyone twirled in the pews like whirling dervishes, or at least like what people generally imagine whirling dervishes to twirl like. Whether such people twirl or not, or actually whirled like their name seems to indicate, was besides the point. For the point was that there was a new foetus in town, and its name was Secondary Western Bollard.

When anyone so much as formed the beginning of a sneer near Secondary Western Bollard, a note would flutter down from the sky attached to a feather. It stated that sex was one thing and gender was quite another, and included a small but legible comic strip mocking capitalism. The satirical thrust of the strip was carried out in such a way that any reader could not argue with it, and had to write down the words "GRR GRR, I am unsubscribing" on the nearest flat surface.

At Coney Island, the ghost of an electrocuted elephant materialised in front of a Roman statue representing the concept of environmental collapse. It swatted away a cursed Victorian Richard Branson image with a spectral trunk, and made clear its support for Nikola Tesla.

At some location or other much further away, a Youtuber poked his head into an abandoned radioactive 1920s cinema and announced into a computer that he was hoping to see a ghost. He then followed this up with a query, unanswered in the subsequent video, asking if anyone knew whether ghosts could wank or not.

Some across the ocean attempted to attack his pronunciation of the word "wank", but realised they didn't have any arms or hands to type with, let alone an arse. Another note and a feather floated down, and no one could bring themselves to read it.